Aging

You always hear about our culture being obsessed with youth and beauty. Today I realized it from a different angle. Most people you see on TV were born in the 80's. So now when I hear about stupid things done by celebrities I realize it's not just the stress of fame that causes them to do stupid things: it's just immaturity. I think that's why I can't stand pop culture anymore. As Cedric the Entertainer would say, I'm a grown ass man.

In other, happier news...my family is coming back from Detroit today!

9/11

It's amazing how symbols work, isn't it? A few small strokes of the pen can speak a whole word, a whole sentence, a library. 311, a music group. 411, cool lingo for "information." 7-11, slurpees, Big Eats, and loiterers. Then there's 9/11.

Yesterday whenever I'd see the date on my phone, I'd think, wow it's almost 9/11. And today every time I saw the date on my phone I felt a chill. One thing everyone can agree on is that it was a day that changed the world.

Maybe it's because I'm an immigration lawyer with a largely Muslim clientele. Or my partner is Ashraf Nubani, a lawyer best known for his role in the high-profile terrorism cases in the Eastern District of Virginia. (My partner was featured in a full-length article in a special September issue of the American Bar Association Law Journal, entitled, "The Go-To Lawyer of 'Northern Virginiastan') But as I see civil liberties erode it makes me think they won, at least something. And that disturbs me.

I'm no card-carrying member of the ACLU. But I am a father. And all of a sudden I find myself caring what the world will be like in 50 years. I grew up loving the idea of freedom, and as i got older I realized how little of it is freely available around the world. On a cops show once they showed a traffic stop in the former Soviet Union, and in their zeal to display law enforcement authority, the announcer proudly exclaimed in a voice-over of a scene where a driver was being dragged out of his vehicle, "In the Soviet Union, the cops can pull you over for any reason at all." Small, crappy example, but you get the point. So when I see it eroding in my own country, it disturbs me. No actually, I hate it.

In the immigration context I see the powers that be use every ounce of their greatly expanded authority to break up families, sometimes with a ghastly sort of enjoyment. Once at immigration court I saw a mother with two small children appear at her husband's master calendar hearing, brought into court in an orange jumpsuit and shackled like a criminal. All because of "mandatory detention" under INA 236 that robs even an immigration judge from having jurisdiction to make a bond redetermination. As they let the tall black man away one of the kids started running after him just saying "Daddy, Daddy." He couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 years old. And the ICE officer grabs the kid by the arm and sharply tells him he can't go any further. I mean, hey, this is a matter of national security. The scene brought tears to my eyes as I thought of how I would feel if my son ran after me only to be held back by some rent-a-cop ICE officer. I never practiced law before 9/11 but I hear tell, it used to not be like this.

It's a question that has been asked by all since that fateful day: What will be left to protect? With every twisting of the law for political ends, legal gamesmanship, every bit of bought testimony, selective enforcement, summary deportation, concocted charge, and denial of deserved relief, I see what's left, dwindling away, and the judge's hands apparently tied because no one wants to be the judge who dared question national security in...what's the catch phrase? this post-9/11 world.

Issa Baba

By far the coolest thing going on in life right now is watching my puttar grow up. There's just no other way to say it. It's just...cool like dat. When you see his very human reactions to things - it makes you realize how much he's actually soaking up, just being. And I'm pushed by an unconscious desire to stimulate him whenever I'm with him, though admittedly my natural inclination towards laziness allows Issa to run free and amuse himself without baba pointing out the fact that the weather is sunny in Punjabi, then repeating same in Urdu and then in English. But what got me the most was the other morning when he picked up my cell phone (yet again....grrr) and this time instead of attempting to swallow it, he held it in one hand, put it up to his ear, and began babbling, quite incessantly. And Rabiah showed me how he now stands tip toe, and can just about reach for door handles. (If a door is ajar he already knows how to pull it open, though he hasn't learned how not to jam his finger when he slams it shut again.) But apparently he's figured out the doorknob concept. He's standing and cruising quite comfortably, but no true-blue steps yet, though I don't think it will be much longer, and I'm no hurry to see it just yet anyway. He's learned to "gimme 5" (that's one thing I haven't done in Punjabi yet, cos "panj de dio" makes no sense) and I know he understands simple things like "aa jao" and "nahin." He's also developed a "shareer" look when he's about to do something he knows he's not supposed to...it's bad cos I try to say "nahin" but I can't say it with a straight face.

Anyway I should get back to work...

Second Amendment, my ass

Naturally we all want to blame somebody - or something - for the senseless massacre at Virginia Tech. Maybe it was mental illness. Maybe it was his upbringing. Neglect. Too much violence on TV. Blah blah blah.

It was more than likely a combination of factors that led him to do this. Rarely does one act driven by only one motivation.

But the thing is - these motivations are commonplace. There are a lot of mentally ill young men. There are a lot of neglected kids. Lots of people watch, and internalize, TV violence. But these people don't trap innocent people in a building and start spraying them with bullets.

The point is, a lot of things have to happen to allow such a massacre to erupt. If certain things in this process didn't happen, then neither would the massacre.

Should not we, as a society, invest some time and energy into implementing ways to derail such nefarious trains before they reach their destination?

And that's gun control. No, make that a ban. The 2d Amendment was never meant to allow such a bloodbath. Yes we can blame a lot of other things. But "The president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms," deputy press secretary Dana Perino said. Then President Bush arrived at the lectern to decry the deaths of the students and their suspected gunman. As News & Observer columnist Barry Saunders wrote, "C'mon, dawg. The least you could've done was express condolences for the dead kids and their families first."

But we cling to the 2d Amendment, as if it could never be changed or limited. The rest of the world laughs at the 2d Amendment and the ridiculous gun lobby as a relic of a bygone era, kept alive by good ol' boy cash and consituting further proof that we Americans have absolutely no common sense. But then, neither do we Americans care what the rest of the world thinks of us. Just let us keep our guns, 'cos they go bang and it's cool.

Authorities found a $571 receipt for a 9mm glock, a firearm capable of rapid firing and able to deploy more than 10 bullets, purchased recently from a firearm store in Roanoke, Virginia. He had no criminal record, and he was legal. So he walked in and bought the gun. But you can't blame the storeowner. There is no way he could have known what the kid was plotting. But the system....ah....yes, you CAN blame the system. It killed 32 people.

Of all the reasons why Cho Seung-Hui did what he did, if he couldn't have gotten his hands on that $571 glock, then none of this....

What the hell. We have a constitutionally protected right to bear arms. It says so, in the 2d Amendment. It's for protection, oh, and recreational use.

I guess it's just too bad the 2d Amendment didn't protect the 32 victims of a clearly non-recreational user.

لاہور لاہور ہے

LAHORE, Va.

A Pakistani entrepreneur wants to transform a backwater town in central Virginia into a desi tourist draw, recreating Lahore. Lahore, Virginia. It sounds so weird on the tongue. Lahore, Virginia. Try to say it Punjabi style.....L'haaaaaaawr, Var-jeeee-niya. It gives new meaning to "لاہور لاہور ہے"

But if he pulls it off...I mean, whoever named that town, whoever that random store owner was....of all the cities in the world he could have picked to name his small Southern farming community...it couldn't be more perfect. Lahore is such a romantic city, ancient, full of history, charm...it is the undisputed cultural capital of Pakistan, and in many ways, all of South Asia. It holds a draw even to ABCD's like me (by the way, that stands for Amreeeeekan Born Cultured Desi" when applied to me) who've never lived there.

If he makes Lahore, Virginia into what he says, I mean, I will be there.

Where else could I get ras malai with my sweet tea?

Warning!! Fake Qur'ans! Don't Fall For The Dangerous Trick!

Recently another age-old circulating email made it into my inbox warning about the grave threat (or "dangerous trick") of a "new" fake Qur'an called Al Furqan al-Haqq. Moreover, this is being distributed in Kuwait, har dee har har.

I've been seeing this crap for quite a few years...actually now that I think about it, I was in law school when I first heard about it, meaning it's likely over 10 years old - hardly "new."

Anyway, the fact that the website you can read this fake Qur'an at is http://www.islam-exposed.org/furqan/contents.html should be indication enough. Why does anyone in their right mind think that this actually poses a threat? You might fall off your chair laughing at it when you read it, and you could bump your head, maybe. But if a Muslim who reads this suddenly renounces Islam, exclaiming in ecstasy that he has truly found the Haqq, then chances are the book had very little to do with his sudden conversion. He was either 99% of the way there already, "there" being defined as a) apostasy, or b) a paagal khana.

Actually this "book" is a compilation of anti-Islamic diatribes authored by Anis Shorrosh, an Arab Christian made famous in the Muslim world by his videotaped debates with Ahmed Deedat. Apparently he took on the challenge in Quran 2:23 (And if ye are in doubt as to what We have revealed from time to time to Our servant, then produce a Sura like thereunto; and call your witnesses or helpers (If there are any) besides Allah, if your (doubts) are true) and, by all accounts, failed miserably.

Anyway visit the link. It's quite comical. Eg, Surah 2, entitled "The Basmalah," verse 2, which reads:

"He is Triune in Unity, united in Trinity, indivisible as deity."

ہیں؟ كی آكھیا ؟میں سمجھیا نہیں

The Finer Points of Parenting

Experience in a given field can readily be ascertained by a discussion of the finer points of said field. This is the surest way to weed out the BS artists, and I say this as a rather accomplished BS artist myself.

So I find myself talking about a finer point of parenting - at least up to the 9 month or so stage, because I find such finer points humorous and worthy of recording. A poopy diaper, I have learned, can usually be folded in such a way as to minimize the stink, by rolling the diaper and then folding the tabs one under the other, much like one would wrap a samosa. When cleaning out our diaper genie, I noticed it was filled with these "diaper samosas" as Rabiah calls them, and it was quite full, as it hadn't been emptied in a few weeks (mainly because I'm the only one who changes Issa's diapers in that room) and was rather surprised that the diaper genie emitted only a musky odor - but not that assaulting stench that can literally knock you over.

I thought it was so cool I should share it.

* * *

Today Carolina won the ACC title. And I remember the excitement over a win - especially such an important one - over a hometown rival (even though it wasn't Duke which is always so satisfying) and remembering the bonfires on Franklin Street and the police blockades and car horns and yes, drunk frat boys throwing toilet paper by the yard onto the bonfire. Then I realize that was 12 years ago...then I got to thinking about that one Internet story that used to circulate about some professor who, at the beginning of every year would pass out a list of anecdotes about that year's freshman class to humorously point out the growing generational gap. I first read this anonymous professor's anecdotes when I was still in college - basically the same age as the kids he poked fun at. You know, that for this year's freshman class, TV's have always been in color, and they have no memory of the Ford administration, etc. etc.

Some years later - I guess more recently - I read the updated version and man, does it work to make you feel old. This year's freshman class would not know how to operate a rotary dial phone. There's always been caller id. No one has just "one number" anymore (think about forms you saw your parents fill out when you were young: they'd add for name, address and phone number. Now, such a form would be rather meaningless, because there's the landline, the fax number, at least two cell phone numbers, a Skype ID, four email accounts, blah blah blah) They don't remember the old school cable boxes where you had to dial the channel you wanted. There's always been the Internet as far as they can remember. (Seriously, can you even remember how you used to live without the Internet? How cool is it to just google any question you have, when I remember having to go to the library and check out a filmstrip with my mother to learn how they put toothpaste into the tube.

My dad once told me about the first time he saw a neighbor use a radio dial, and was intrigued - if not amazed - at the manual dexterity required to tune into a station. I wonder what type of story I'll tell Issa when he gets older.

Scams & Shadiness

Why are there so many shady people in this world? And I mean, mindless shadiness. Where there's no benefit to the shady person to be shady but he's shady anyway. It's worse than the law of the jungle - eat or be eaten - because even this simple axiom has the benefit of life preservation.

I hate to rag on Pakistanis in particular, but this is one قوم that will choose the illegal way to do something even when the legal way is just as convenient. I have been told ہم کاغذات بنوادینگے and ان کو کیا معلوم and other such nonsense so many times that I've lost tolerance for it. It's like people don't understand that I'm not going to lose my license just because they're too stupid to understand what I'm telling them.

I seen a social security card with the ink spelling "Valid for DHS work authorization only" literally scraped off the blue paper (apparently some Nigerian guy in Prince George's county performs this service for the modest fee of $300). What's the point in doing this? You're illegal anyway. You got no visa, no status, just a doctored SS card. Your old SS card would have been fine to work with. You get no added benefit by doctoring it. Brilliant!

Another time I seen a guy with an arrival/departure card with a date of departure of 3 months before (because he had "friends"). Then he tells me I'm gonna go get a new stamp on my passport from my friends and I'll be back to see you in 2 weeks and you can file for my visa. Nope!

Once a couple comes in to my office saying they wanted to get married and the husband wanted to sponsor the wife for a green card, and my secretary asks the "husband" what his "wife's" name is, since she apparently didn't speak English, and the "husband" asks her, in English, "What's your name?" Come on!

And these people are so pushy, they try so hard to persuade me to further their shady enterprises. But I always remember the example of Manlin Chee, a Greensboro immigration lawyer - and strong supporter of the Muslim community - whose career was cut short by an FBI sting operation in which two undercover agents threw lots of money and sob stories to Ms. Chee to persuade her to file fake marriage-based green card cases. Now personally, if a Muslim guy comes in and throws me a $20,000 retainer for a job that's worth $2,000 max, I will know something is wrong, cos our boys never like to pay their lawyers (but that's a separate blog entry altogether) but - in the end, Ms. Chee fell for it, and the agents were wired, and they dismantled her career in just a few months.

So I try to use my best judgment to stay away from shady people, but let me be the first to tell you, a Muslim lawyer with a largely Muslim clientele is hard pressed to avoid shadiness, and I think that's pathetic.

نفاق کی حد

جب میں كالج میں پڑھتا تھا توآخری سال میں ایک سیمینار کلاس میں بیٹھا. یہ کلاس چین کی جدید تاریخ کے بارے میں تھی. استاد صاحب حالانکہ امریکی تھے مگر چین میں تقریبأ چالیس سال رھے اور وہ واحد امریکی تھے جن کو چین کی اشتمالی پارٹی میں داخل ہونے کی اجازت دی گئي. ان چالیس سالوں میں سے سولہ سال قےد میں گزارے. مجرم نہ تھے مگر سیاسی وجوہات تھے. چینی صدر ماؤ زے دنگ کا یہ فلسفا تھا کہ معاشرے میں دو قسم کے یعنی طبقے ہیں ایک فرشتوں کا اور ایک شیطانوں کا. شےطانی طبقہ چھوٹا اور فرشتوں کا بڑا. مگر پر امن اور پر سکون معاشرہ بنانے کے لۓ چاہے کچھ بھی ہو شیطانی طبقے کا تردد کرنا ضروری ہے. اس بنا پر نہ جانے کتنے معصوم اور بے گناہ پیٹے گۓ، مارے گۓ. مفرد کے حقوق اس قدر محدود تھے کہ جس کو بھی “کلاس اینیمی” کا الزام لگایا بس سمجھ لو کہ اس شخص کی آزادی بلکہ زندگی ختم. ثبوت کی کیا ضرورت یہ تو معاشرے کی بہتری کے لۓ ہے.

ہمارے استاد صاحب کو کلاس اینیمی ڈھونڈھنے کی ذمہ داری دی گئي تھی. مشکوک لوگوں کا ایک فائل بنایا گیا. اس فائل میں ہر طرح کے نوٹ لکھے ہوۓ تھے کہ اس شخص نے ایک بار اپنے دوست سے حکومت کے خلاف یہ کہا یا برطانوی یا امریکی ادب میں دلچسپی ہے وغیرہ. اگر فیصلہ کیا گیا کہ یہ شخص ایک کلاس اینیمی ہے تو بس اس کو اپنی زندگی سے چھین کربتایا گیا کہ سب کے سامنے اپنے ”جرائم“ ایڈمٹ کرے نہیں تو جیل میں پھینک دینگے یا مانچوریا بھیج دینگے اور تم وہاں سالوں تک کھیتوں میں کام کروگے. آجکل چین کی اشتمالی حکومت کو امریکہ الزام لگاتا ہے کہ انسانی حقوق کو ریسپیکٹ نہیں کرتے.

نفاق کی حد ہو گئي، نہ ؟

Issa aka baby jesus

My puttar, Issa, sometimes he reminds me of myself so much it amazes me...and not just because everyone says he looks like my "carbon copy" or that he's my "Mini Me." It's little things like concentrating hard on eating his food when he's hungry, laughing when he farts, loving the sound of drums, and, sadly, being engrossed in a book when everyone else is watching the Super Bowl (at least that's how I used to be...)

I do hope my boy learns to ball better than his daddy but when you see the same interests and idiosyncrasies in your kid as you know you have yourself, it strikes you. Guess it's another sign from Allah. Funny, cos you can actually learn about yourself by watching your kid. Of course it's not exactly the same, and you can't assume they're the same as you - but it's still kinda cool. Wonder if my dad ever felt the same thing.

Movie Lines

You know some movies you grew up watching - over and over, in my case - that have lines that you learn to appreciate when you get a little older?

I suppose it would be better for life experiences to remind you of an ayah rather than an actor but hey, we Amreekan Muslims - actually most Muslims today - are educated backwards - we do all the secular stuff first and then maybe try to understand the Qur'an, instead of learning the Qur'an first so that the rest of your secular education can be Qur'anicized. But I digress.

The movie line that keeps crossing my mind is from the Karate Kid, when Mr. Miyagi teaches Daniel-san that "Whole life have balance," and "This not just karate lesson. Lesson for whole life." When I was a kid watching this I couldn't appreciate the meaning of the word "balance." But now, I got a legal practice, a bivi, and a baccha. I try to work out semi-regularly to get more energy so I can do more in less time, but that causes friction with family time, and last night I went home to eat dinner and then went out again around 9:30 to work out and oddly enough I decided I needed to stop by my office and before I knew it it was about 1:15 am. Last week I worked till 11 pm two nights and 10 pm another night, and really haven't been home before 8:30/9 in over a month.

So last night as I sat staring at a writ of mandamus I intend to file - (suing the government is so much fun, and a great activity in the wee hours of the morning!) - of all things to come cruising out of my mind - I see Mr. Miyagi instructing Daniel-san who is trying to keep his balance standing on a rowboat's stern doing kata - that "Whole life have balance."

I get it now.

What are they smoking??

"USCIS may well be the only government agency other than the Postal Service that tries to operate 99% on user fees. These fees are expected to pay not just for the services delivered to the applicant, but for the agency's overhead and for law enforcement activities such as investigations and security checks. It is well past time that the Administration requested, and the Congress appropriated, funds to allow this agency to properly do its job. Funding an entire agency on the backs of immigrants and their U.S. citizen spouses is beyond the pale."

"Also, AILA is concerned that the public will not get significantly improved services to go with the significantly increased fees," said Tapia-Ruano. "USCIS Director Gonzalez has stated a goal for the agency of a 20% improvement in processing times by the end of 2009. A 66% increase in fees now for at best a 20% improvement in service three years from now is simply not acceptable."

Carlina Tapia-Ruano, President
American Immigration Lawyers Association

If you don't have to deal with immigration then maybe this isn't news but it should incense everyone that according to a notice to be published in the Federal Register tomorrow, immigration filing fees will be increased by an average of 66%.

Filing for a green card currently costs $325 plus a $70 fingerprint fee. This fee is to be raised to $905, plus $80 for the fingerprints.

If you don't like a decision and want to appeal, you may do so, but it will now cost you $585. (up from $385, which itself was increased from $110 only a year and a half ago.)

You want to become a citizen and vote? Sure! In addition to lengthy background checks, you will also have to pay $675. (up from $400)

Want to visit your family back home while your green card is being processed? Pay us $305 (as opposed to $170).

WHAT the hell is that about? During the past 10 or so years we've already seen a fourfold increase in filing fees. Now they're raising them again So: we're going to break your financial back, and in return, we will TRY to decrease your waiting time by 20% in about three years.

This pisses me off. The USCIS is one of the most incompetent agencies of the federal government. The US prides itself on being a nation of immigrants, but Congress will not appropriate one dime to help pay for the administrative system of granting immigration benefits to people. The CIS is a roughly 2 billion a year agency. They spend nearly that much in Iraq every day. So the agency is fee-based. And with all the technology available, they still rely on horribly outdated paper-and-pencil methods of administration, which result in files being lost, processing delays, and in some cases, people getting immigration benefits when they shouldn't get them, and then 10 years later the error is discovered and the poor alien is told, sorry, you have no status, and you've been out of status for 10 years, you can't work, and here's a Notice to Appear (NTA) in immigration court where you must show cause why you should not be removed from the United States. Every immigration attorney I know has a plethora of war stories about USCIS incompetence. That's an indication that something's terribly wrong.

Not to mention the fact that this system is now so expensive that it will cut out a huge class of working poor who will now be unable to afford to comply with the law. More people will try to do it themselves, or worse simply fall out of status, which will of course result in more screwups and ultimately, more NTA's.

First Post

OK I finally gave in and I started a blog. I figure if my dad has one, and my sister, and my cousin, it's a family affair. Might not have the time to be as prolific as the rest of my family but hey, it's a way to decompress.

And so here's The JAG's first cynical jaded observation of the world:

ECONOMY (e-CON'-e-mi) (n.): A million little units who each engage in fierce competition to grab other litte units' money by creating pieces of paper. These "pieces of paper" are known by various euphemisms such as "work order," "bill," "time sheet," "receipt," "invoice," or - sadly - "immigration forms."

And here's my second cynical jaded observation of the world:

The key to success is setting low expectations.